מקווה שהפעם צדקתי
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מצטער. צודקים. מקווה שכך זה בסדר
Daddy Michelle looked at her father, thinking of the past few weeks. In her quest to obtain the powers of the Grum Genar, he did everything he could in an effort to stop her, short of a front assault on her and David. And thou David wanted, here and there, that she would do something drastic about him, she wanted him to live to see the end. She wanted him to see her do what he said was impossible, suicide. She knew that if she thought about it, she's still a little girl, trying to prove herself to her father. But she also knew that she is going to be much more. Her plan was at its end. She was about to summon the Genoruk, one of the most ferocious servants of the Grum Genar, the god's destroyer, and bind him to her will. Only the last part of the ceremony is yet undone, and she knew she could complete it at her leisure. So she gave her father a last chance to plea his case, mainly because she wanted to see the proud man beg. And beg he did. Daniel was on his knees, which was a new thing to him. But he knew he had to do everything he could to stop his daughter from walking a path that would destroy her. He knew too well that the Grum Genar does not let go of his control of his servants, and knew that trying to pry that control would get his daughter killed by the thing she seek to control. So he was here, at the hall of death, at the foot of the stairs, on his knees. Begging. "Michelle, please. Listen to me. One time, in all these years, for once listen to me. When you do this, it's an assault against the Grum Genar. It's not something you do and live…"" father please", Michelle interrupted. "Don't make a fool out of me, and do that to yourself," she said, with a small smile on her face, showing how she enjoyed seeing him like this. "Why are we listening to this again?" David said, with an annoyed tone to his voice. Michelle shot him a warning look, and he took a step back from her. "Because I want to, and I think my father deserve a last chance to amuse me before the Genoruk comes here. I want my father to know I value his thought, even thou I don't agree with him."" But you don't, Michelle." Said Daniel. "You are set on going thru this monstrous adventure, no matter what happens. And what do think would happen after you do this? That everyone would bow to you? That what? Have you given thought about after?" "Of course I have." She answered "and I know very well what I'm going to do." All the while, as she talked, her smile didn't leave her face. A little smile, the way a patient parent has talking to child that didn't understand the grownup matter at hand. All her life she remembered her father having that smile, and she was sure to give it to him. Because now it was he that didn't understand. She could do this. She would do this. She would bring fourth this creature, and have it do her biding. She knew that. "Michelle," Daniel said, "If you're going to do this, I'm going to lose you. Please. You are not going to survive. And you would die form the Grum Genar. Probably not at his hands, but he'll order your death. Probably just give the order and go, not bothering to see it thru. Is that what you want? Dying looking at the back of the Grum Genar?"" father, the Grum Genar is dead. He doesn't exist anymore. I did studies that proved that." And her tone turned a bit hard." You insult me by this assumption that I'm that stupid, father." "ok, forget that", said Daniel, sensing he was losing it." Just please don't do this. What would it take? Don't you want me to grovel? I'll grovel for you not to do this." Michelle smile her little smile again, turned around and started something. Daniel looked at her and despaired. She was completing the ceremony. He looked solemnly as he was loosing his daughter. His face a mask of anguish and grief, as he stood up. He looked defeated. Michelle said the last word of the ceremony and turned around. Her smile changed from the little smile she used to tantalize her father, to a big victory smile. And then the was there. Awesome and frightening, remotely man-shaped and huge. He came from the shadowed behind Daniel, and kneels to one knee. Giving honor to whom he serve. Michelle looked at him and smiled even wider. "So father, where is you Grum Genar now? See here, the Genoruk, came to do my biding, giving me honor." Daniel didn't answer. With grieve on his face he turned around, and started to walk away from his daughter. "father?" Michelle said, suddenly uncertain of something. Suddenly there was something majestic in her father's walk. "dad?" she said again. Daniel walked slowly to where the Genoruk kneeled and stoped. His face still full of pain, he gave the unmoving feagure a look. Then he said, softly. "Kill them both." And walked out of the room. And as the Genoruk rose to do his master biding, michelle called after him. "father? Dad?" and then, finally, "Daddy?" Daniel woke up. He didn't jump up, because that's to lesser people, and beside, that woiuld wake up Adi. He looked t his wife and slowly left them bed, not stirring her. He walked out the room, and to his daughter's room. There, coudeld in her bed, Michelle lay, safe, secured, and away from his past. And hopefully, there she'll stay.
Daddy Michelle looked at her father, thinking of the past few weeks. In her quest to obtain the powers of the Grum Genar, he did everything he could in an effort to stop her, short of a front assault on her and David. And thou David wanted, here and there, that she would do something drastic about him, she wanted him to live to see the end. She wanted him to see her do what he said was impossible, suicide. She knew that if she thought about it, she's still a little girl, trying to prove herself to her father. But she also knew that she is going to be much more. Her plan was at its end. She was about to summon the Genoruk, one of the most ferocious servants of the Grum Genar, the god's destroyer, and bind him to her will. Only the last part of the ceremony is yet undone, and she knew she could complete it at her leisure. So she gave her father a last chance to plea his case, mainly because she wanted to see the proud man beg. And beg he did. Daniel was on his knees, which was a new thing to him. But he knew he had to do everything he could to stop his daughter from walking a path that would destroy her. He knew too well that the Grum Genar does not let go of his control of his servants, and knew that trying to pry that control would get his daughter killed by the thing she seek to control. So he was here, at the hall of death, at the foot of the stairs, on his knees. Begging. "Michelle, please. Listen to me. One time, in all these years, for once listen to me. When you do this, it's an assault against the Grum Genar. It's not something you do and live…"" father please", Michelle interrupted. "Don't make a fool out of me, and do that to yourself," she said, with a small smile on her face, showing how she enjoyed seeing him like this. "Why are we listening to this again?" David said, with an annoyed tone to his voice. Michelle shot him a warning look, and he took a step back from her. "Because I want to, and I think my father deserve a last chance to amuse me before the Genoruk comes here. I want my father to know I value his thought, even thou I don't agree with him."" But you don't, Michelle." Said Daniel. "You are set on going thru this monstrous adventure, no matter what happens. And what do think would happen after you do this? That everyone would bow to you? That what? Have you given thought about after?" "Of course I have." She answered "and I know very well what I'm going to do." All the while, as she talked, her smile didn't leave her face. A little smile, the way a patient parent has talking to child that didn't understand the grownup matter at hand. All her life she remembered her father having that smile, and she was sure to give it to him. Because now it was he that didn't understand. She could do this. She would do this. She would bring fourth this creature, and have it do her biding. She knew that. "Michelle," Daniel said, "If you're going to do this, I'm going to lose you. Please. You are not going to survive. And you would die form the Grum Genar. Probably not at his hands, but he'll order your death. Probably just give the order and go, not bothering to see it thru. Is that what you want? Dying looking at the back of the Grum Genar?"" father, the Grum Genar is dead. He doesn't exist anymore. I did studies that proved that." And her tone turned a bit hard." You insult me by this assumption that I'm that stupid, father." "ok, forget that", said Daniel, sensing he was losing it." Just please don't do this. What would it take? Don't you want me to grovel? I'll grovel for you not to do this." Michelle smile her little smile again, turned around and started something. Daniel looked at her and despaired. She was completing the ceremony. He looked solemnly as he was loosing his daughter. His face a mask of anguish and grief, as he stood up. He looked defeated. Michelle said the last word of the ceremony and turned around. Her smile changed from the little smile she used to tantalize her father, to a big victory smile. And then the was there. Awesome and frightening, remotely man-shaped and huge. He came from the shadowed behind Daniel, and kneels to one knee. Giving honor to whom he serve. Michelle looked at him and smiled even wider. "So father, where is you Grum Genar now? See here, the Genoruk, came to do my biding, giving me honor." Daniel didn't answer. With grieve on his face he turned around, and started to walk away from his daughter. "father?" Michelle said, suddenly uncertain of something. Suddenly there was something majestic in her father's walk. "dad?" she said again. Daniel walked slowly to where the Genoruk kneeled and stoped. His face still full of pain, he gave the unmoving feagure a look. Then he said, softly. "Kill them both." And walked out of the room. And as the Genoruk rose to do his master biding, michelle called after him. "father? Dad?" and then, finally, "Daddy?" Daniel woke up. He didn't jump up, because that's to lesser people, and beside, that woiuld wake up Adi. He looked t his wife and slowly left them bed, not stirring her. He walked out the room, and to his daughter's room. There, coudeld in her bed, Michelle lay, safe, secured, and away from his past. And hopefully, there she'll stay.
מעניין
אני חייבת לשאול, למה אתה כותב באנגלית? זו לא שפת האם שלך, ואתה לא שולט בה. למה פשוט לא לכתוב בעברית? אתה חי וכותב, אחרי הכל, בארץ. יש לך קהל ושוק לכתיבתך כאן. למה לברוח לשפה זרה? (במיוחד אם את השמות בכל מקרה בחרת ישראליים
) תגובות.
המון, המון שגיות כתיב, השמטת אותיות, טעויות ניסוח וכו'. נורא קל לפתרון, פשוט תכתוב בעברית 
ברור לחלוטין שזו התחלה. יש לך תחילת התפתחות כל שהיא (תחילת התפתחות מעניינת כל שהיא)אבל חייבים המשך כדי לשפוט את העלילה. זה יכול ללא יותר מדי בעיה להיגרר לקלישאות, או מצד שני יכול להתפתח לסיפור מרתק. מקווה לראות את ההמשך (בעברית
)
אני חייבת לשאול, למה אתה כותב באנגלית? זו לא שפת האם שלך, ואתה לא שולט בה. למה פשוט לא לכתוב בעברית? אתה חי וכותב, אחרי הכל, בארץ. יש לך קהל ושוק לכתיבתך כאן. למה לברוח לשפה זרה? (במיוחד אם את השמות בכל מקרה בחרת ישראליים
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